you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
