just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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