Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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