my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
