My friends, they love my intelligence
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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