So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
