i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
