There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
