Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
