i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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