Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
