carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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