I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
