You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
