Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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