I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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