You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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