if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
