Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
