If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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