I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
