i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
