I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
