Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
