just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
