He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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