I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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