she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
