Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
BRING THE BAGELS
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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