Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
