I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
