Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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