remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
