I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
