i barfeds in our rink
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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