I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
