Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
