WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
