I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
