My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
