I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
