you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
