Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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