i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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