Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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