Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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