It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
