____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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