Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I could make wine with my vomit
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
