It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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