I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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