I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i already hear my dad disowning me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize