Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
