So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
