alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
